Breaking The Bonds Of Old Relationships

About six months ago, I left a relationship that no longer served. It was a truly amazing three years for the time that it did serve. I loved, I learned, I grew, I served, and experienced life to its’ fullest.

Letting go of a relationship is similar to letting go of an addiction. Patterns and habits have been created, triggers are created. Life is comfortable a certain way. There are mental, physical, emotional, and energetic bonds with both a relationship and an addiction. Each one gets to be addressed.

As we separated, it was decided that we would go ‘cold turkey’, meaning that we would eliminate all possible contact. This included no texting or calling, blocking from social media, one of us not attending common places that we did together, etc. I believe this is a wise choice in any separation, especially at first.

In the beginning, I went through all the emotions and stages of grief. I was angry, sad, emotional, hopeful to mend, and finally came to acceptance. In the beginning, I chose to be with and experience every emotion that came up. I journaled a ton, cried a ton, and slept a ton. Once I felt like I had faced all of the emotions head-on, I decided it was time to leave the past in the past.

Like an addiction, at first, I spent a lot of time thinking about her, wondering how she was and what she was doing with her life. I missed her emotionally and physically as well. With time, all of these cravings subsided. If a thought or emotion came up, I chose to dismiss it instead of feed it with my attention, because I knew that I had dealt with them.

For me, energetic bonds take longer to release. Maybe it’s because I’m highly sensitive and empathic. Maybe it’s because I choose to love so deeply and give my all. I’m not sure. What I do know is that, after six months, I’m completely free of the bonds that once held me. If there were a Relationships Anonymous meeting, I’d be receiving my six-month chip. 😃

A couple of times, I had friends approach me about some of the things that she was saying about me. Some of them are true. Most are not. It sounds like she’s angry and hurt. If I can be an outlet for her healing, she can say whatever she wants to about me. I know who I am, and so do those who really know me.

Our brains are funny little tools at times, especially when it comes to self-preservation, which is one of its primary functions. Whenever we make any decision, our brain helps us justify that decision with confirmation bias. It finds proof of why the decision we made was the right decision. We can actually overwrite our memory and rewrite our history. This is a tool that I use in my mentoring/coaching whenever somebody has disempowering programs, filters, or triggers from their past.

This same thing can happen when we go through a divorce or separation. Instead of looking at the whole relationship objectively, our brain finds all the little reasons why we made a good decision in leaving.

I believe it’s important to have good relationships with our exes, especially where children are involved. In order to do so, it takes the participation of both parties. Fortunately, I have this type of relationship with all three mothers of my children.

Just yesterday, I gave my first ex-wife a big hug as I was picking up my daughter and her son from her second marriage, so we could all hang out. She’s an amazing woman.

Later in the day, I helped my third ex-wife take some boxes to storage. She just had a beautiful baby girl this week with her husband. A month ago, he was hit by a drunk driver and now is a quadriplegic in the hospital. After we took the boxes to storage, we went up to the hospital to see him. He’s been an amazing masculine figure in the home of my six-year-old daughter, and I’m grateful for his example and co-parenting. I’m grateful to be able to help out in some small way in their time of need.

I feel good about where I’m at in my journey right now. I actually enjoy being alone. With my mentoring/coaching business, I have the opportunity to have deep, meaningful conversations as we dig deep to create lasting transformation. That fills my social needs. From time to time, I feel inspired to reach out to others just to have a conversation, and my cup is filled in those moments as well.

These past six months have been both challenging and rewarding, as I’ve taken accountability for my portion of the relationship, healed my soul, and done my inner work. I am at peace.

I will always love those with whom I’ve had relationships. I wish them the best along their journeys. They say we meet people for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I’ve had many beautiful seasons, and I wouldn’t change a thing.